And the decade comes to an end

It’s the end of the decade and its time we relish the memories, revisit the past, look back at your disappointments, and of course, let go of your sorrows. The years between 2010-2019 have been one hell of a ride. It unleashed a new me, a better me, in fact. I will be listing out all the major things that occurred, this decade. I initially thought of typing down 10 things (one major moment from each year). But no, I wouldn’t want to limit myself to a number. So, go on, read...

1. Work. 2010 marked the year I graduated from my masters. It is also the year I joined work. I realised my dream of becoming a journalist. And what a coincidence... I took up my first job at the TOI and I am back to TOI Chennai now (briefly worked in DNA Bengaluru, & TOI Bangalore for a few years).
2. Love Life. The biggest breakup of my life happened in this decade. After being in an on-and-off relationship for over six years, my ex and I finally let go of our toxic relationship. But, we also made peace a couple of years later. He’d come to our house for a party, too. Ex-lovers’ goals, much?
3. Bangalore. That city groomed me in every possible way. The magical place helped me find friends, who brought out the best side in me that I didn’t know existed. I learnt to be independent and confident. Bought my first bike, mobile phone, laptop etc. I wasn’t afraid to ride in the nights, partied hard, learnt the ropes and made friends for life. This was also the time I connected with my first sister on a whole new level. For the kind of lifestyle that I was exposed to, she kept me grounded. And big love to my niece, with whom I've become closest to (read: she approves my 'Gram posts now and shares her boyfriend problems).
4.  Twins. My second sister delivered two baby girls (twins). Being with them gave me the greatest joy. I became an aunt for the second time and no happiness could match that. Well, it wasn’t just about taking cute baby pictures, it taught me a lot… about motherhood, parenting, and unconditional love. Now that they are seven years old, I bug the shit out of them by asking ‘How much do you love, Jaanu?’ And they answer patiently.
5. Weight loss. With all that partying and adopting a horrible lifestyle, I’d put on tons of weight. I went to a random party, met a random page-three celebrity, who gave me the contact of her dietitian. And that day changed my life. If there’s one thing that I learnt through this phase, it would be determination. If you are determined, you can conquer the world. I am glad that fitness has changed me forever. Oh yes, I am not in my 'fittest' right now, but I am always focused on leading a healthy lifestyle. I am never going to give up on health. (That makes for a good hashtag, no?).
6. Death of a friend. He was my confidante, friend and my soulmate. He helped me sail through my breakup like a breeze. With his humour, wit and charm, I was smiling... until the day I heard about his demise. Sorry, I couldn’t speak to you for a whole year before you died. You mean a lot to me, Sai. I miss you and think about you always.
7. Found love again. Oh yes, I’ve had my share of 'stories' in ‘Luru, but I did find a boy, a guy from my city (Madras), albeit, romanced in B'lore. Also, married the same person. He’s the best. Period. Talk about happy endings, eh?
8. Moved into our house. One of my biggest dreams was to live in my own space. After we got married, I made that dream a reality. I have a passion for home décor and loved setting up my house. I keep changing them, buy new things, remove a few things and move the décor here and there. I love it and won’t stop.
9. Appa’s heart attack. The worst phase ever. It taught me that no matter how much you respect your body (he was a teetotaller), stress can ruin your shit. The worst one month of my life. But we sailed through. Love to parents always.
10. New family. In India, they say that you are not just married to your partner, but to his family. But I think I lucked out in this department. My in-laws are a sweet bunch. My MILs (plural for a reason) are kind, encouraging and supportive. MIL2 has been especially kind, loving and very encouraging of my career and other life decisions. I had a jolly good time with one of my SILs when she was at our home during her pregnancy. I've got three of them and all of them have been wonderful to me, especially that little one, with whom I thought I would never get along with. But plot twist, it turns out that I get along with her the most. The cutie with the biggest heart gave me the biggest gift of my lifetime. Stealing Gautham Menon’s line here – ‘You need not birth children to be a mother’. Take that kiss, I say. Also hugs to my newest buddy Maddy.
11. Ectopic pregnancy. I love babies and had the best time with three of my nieces (when they were babies). Naturally, I was drawn to having one of my own. I was very happy when I found out I was pregnant. But that dream went by in a flash. Hardest time of this decade. It broke me down and brought out the worst in me. I was depressed, unhappy, jealous and angry. I am in a much better space now. While it did take a toll on me for almost a year, I’ve been feeling great now. Also, do I want a baby now? Hmm…
12. Made friends for life. You make best friends for life in this period. While I am glad that my school gang is still intact, I also met some interesting people and befriended them, this decade. I fought with a college bestie, but patched up with her. As my father puts it, we will always be the JJ-Sasikala combo. I also made friends at work (Bengaluru), some of them whom I still look up to. I even met my darling life mentor (also my then weight loss inspector) in the US. Also, the cutest boy who I met during Fresh Face. He came for my wedding, meets me mostly when he comes to India (lives in the US now) and drove all the way from Washington to NYC to see me. Jealous, much? Also, the greatest singer/friend who made me meet my hubster. All of us need friends like her. Not leaving behind some wonderful besties I made in CT. People with golden hearts, without whom I couldn’t have survived - Vambu Kootam. Lastly, the friends I made through my hubster. Five years ago, they were his friends. And now, they are my friends. We share a separate equation, and it’s got nothing to do with hubby man. I am happy that they look out for me at every single instance, especially that one golden woman, with a big, big heart.
13. Travel. It was in 2011, I made my first trip to Delhi. I did a family trip to Jaipur, Agra, Haridwar and Rishikesh (The views come right in my front of me as I type this out). I also did my solo trip to Dehradun and Mussorie. Scary at first, but enjoyed. I made my first international trip this decade. Thailand. Well, it was my honeymoon, gaiz. I also went to Singapore with my family and friends. If I am given an opportunity to move out of India and settle somewhere, I would pick Singapore. Also, I made the biggest trip of my life to the US of A. The city I’ve seen in movies, romanced with and had it as part of my dream destination, was finally ticked off. I landed in a snow-covered New York. I did every touristy thing, went to Cleveland for classical music festivals and went straight to Phoenix to meet my sister. I went to Grand Canyon, lower antelope canyon, Sedona and lived a full life in those 10 days there. I ended my month-long trip in Chicago. Best money spent. I also went Bombay (for a friend), Munnar (with a friend), Kochi and Calcutta (for a friend) for the first time.
14. Crazy Mohan’s death. It is a pity that I got to know him in this decade and lost him in the same decade. Crazy Mohan sir was one person I enjoyed interviewing time and again. He was so full of life, simple, genuine and had no airs whatsoever. Imagine giving some of the best plays, best dialogues and lines that makes you laugh till today... yet he didn't have any attitude. I will miss that laughter, infectious energy and insight he had about life. Having spoken to him multiple times, he showed me all his paintings one day and even gifted a picture of his favourite painting to me. "Nee ennoda ponnu maari. Unakku nalludhan nadakum. Idha nee frame pannum," he said. My favourite bit was whenever he spoke, he never failed to end the call with his favourite, 'Take it easy… life is crazy.' A gem, gone too soon.
15. Me. Like I mentioned before, this decade brought about a pleasant transformation in me. In school and college, I couldn’t really figure out the person I was. I was pretty much an introvert in school, and now, an ambivert. I am inching towards becoming an extrovert (distant dream, though, coz I still cannot handle having more than 8 people at home. Crowd-o-phobia). I’ve become confident, independent and constantly ensure that I have a stable mental health. As you grow up, you end up having more responsibilities. And with responsibilities comes stress. You met people, have expectations and they break your heart. And then at work, you will be embroiled in a whole lot of politics that your little heart can’t handle. And of course, there are deadlines to be met, and striking work-life balance. These could take a toll on you. I have been worn out on so many instances. So, I’ve learnt to keep my mind healthy. Also, coming to the “me” part, I have to admit I did some horrible things - intentionally and unintentionally, and have been in situations that made me look like a fool. Well, its all a learning. A little self-appreciation doesn’t hurt, so let me just say that I did pretty OK this decade. I hope to do better in the coming years. 

To my limited readers, thank you for taking time out to read this. Wish you all a happy 2020. Smash it out, I say! 

Regards, 
Shara 

The men who had my heart

I recently took a week off to get away from my usual routine. Apart from spending time with my sister and niece in Bengaluru, I also did a lot of Netflix. So, my niece suggested we watch ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’, a high-rated teen flick. I loved the film... took me back to my glorious days of being invisible (ha!). It was around this time when I finished reading Eleanor and Park, a heartwarming story of first love, so lovely penned by Rainbow Rowell. So, watching the movie and reading this book (which was around the same time), I reminisced about my first love and zillion crushes I’ve had.

And then it struck me...why shouldn't I write about them? I am going to write about all of them (OK, most of them), but without taking their full names. So, here goes my story...

LK: He was our tenant. A copy editor working for a prestigious newspaper (still is). I was in class eight, I think. He had a bullet, lived with his father, and was big on fitness (check all). But wait, the cake had to be the fact that he looked exactly like Tennis star Andre Agassi (oh yea, I have a thing for bald, hot men). I casually began visiting their place to give something or the other (mummies always want to share their food on Diwali, Pongal, no?). I wanted to see this cutie, instead I ended up chatting with his father. One day, he suddenly showed up from work when his father and I were chatting. There was a formal introduction, which then paved the way into a beautiful friendship. I developed interest in writing and showed my blog (blimey). We’ve had some craziest conversations, some of which I still remember. He has always mentioned that I was way matured for my age. I still remember his idea of partying on New Year’s. “You begin the year by drinking… what a waste of money,” he said. His passion for fitness pushed him to start a gym 15 years later. And I, sort of, became the person I am today because of him. I even went for this cutie’s marriage, who has a 10-year-old son now. But we aren't in touch now. 

SH: He is my friend’s brother’s friend (phew). Too hot. Too cute. Too sexy. So, a bunch of us had a crush on him. My best friend Maggie and I made prank calls, met him eventually, and even bought him a chocolate (Diary Milk). We posed as Aarthi and Keerthi (plus, faked our age), which he eventually found out. But he’s still a hottie!

V: He was my neighbour. Tall, thin and a sweet-looking boy. I used to be up so early to drop my sister in the bus stop so that I can get a glimpse of him. My sister and V went to the same college. It was a silent crush. We seldom spoke, but awkwardly smiled whenever we bumped into each other.

S: He’s a school crush I am embarrassed to talk about. My best friend Sow used to call me ‘Platinum Princess’ because he was sucha ‘blade’ (get the reference?). Rich dude, my father’s friend’s son, who always spoke about his achievements, like always. Thick brows, thin boy and charming smile, but the more you know him, the more you blame yourself for having that crush. 

PK: He was my first love, my only real relationship that lasted for about seven-odd years. If you know me well, you should know about PK, too. Class 12, march past and this boy was in the first row. Tall, dark and handsome – enuf, no? Like Trisha says in 96, he was my aambala naatukatta. He was my best friend’s BFF. We got introduced and soon started chatting over phone. Slowly, we fell in love. He left to Coimbatore to pursue his graduation. So, ours was mostly a long-distance relationship. He came back to Chennai for a job, and eventually decided to leave India for further studies. In all those years that we were together, we broke up like 100 times. The problem, for us, was ego. I had demands… he had demands. But neither of us were willing to compromise. It all boiled down to the 'B' word. We parted ways on a mutual note. Recently, he and his wife visited us. We partied at our place. He even brought us a gift, my husband’s favourite beer from Denmark (goals). We are not really friends… but wish the best for each other.

R: So, post the PK phase, I wasn’t really in a mood to mingle. But all of us must move on at some point, right? It was then I met this hottie at work. We became good friends. This cutie and a few other friends in Bengaluru added colour to my life. Oh yes, I did have some spark... at a later stage. Dangerously late, if I may say so. But I knew that it was never meant to be. We are still friends, though.   

SK: This was the time when I gave in to my father’s idea of scouting boys on matrimony. I had fun doing this exercise, coz bruh, you get to choose the boy you want on internet (aha!). I wasn’t really against the whole thing, but I wanted someone from the creative field and I couldn’t find anyone on matrimony. So, we took a break from this. I happened to tell my friend about finding a boy in the media field. And that's when she suggested I meet her friend SK. I have always known SK. Oh yes, he had a girlfriend back then, and I had my thing going on. But I never envisioned the first date or falling in love with him. So, this friend hooked us up. I met this boy on a day when he was hungover. We exchanged numbers and began talking. Didn’t I say that I have a thing for tall, thin, boys? He, too, was tall, thin but not dark. People say I have the prettiest smile (yes, I do). But I think he has the warmest smile. SK is the funniest guy I’ve met. He jokes just about everything, talks a lot, and respects you and your choices. We dated only for a few months, but you always know, right? SK is honest, hardworking and has an extremely lovely set of friends and family, who are very involved in his life. He is a magnet... if you know him, you will like him. We've had the best times in Bangalore - late night talks, demolishing beer towers, going to pubs to get free shots, and of course, indulged in some fantastic conversations. I had a magical proposal - candle light dinner, ‘will you marry me’ on cake and a sparkling watch as a gift. But it was his eyes that I was impressed with the most. It spoke truth and trust. Oh yes, we've had our share of tough times. But I am so fortunate to have had those as we wouldn’t be the people we are right now if not for the fights. SK, dear people, is my husband. 

Did I fuck up your memories? Well, it's holiday season...  All is fair in love, no? <3  

See you for now, 

S 

A wonder called Grand Canyon

Do you know that feeling when you go to a place and all the worries and anxieties in your life seem so minuscule in comparison to the larger scheme of things? I did feel that way when I went to Grand Canyon. 29km wide, 446km long, depth of 6,093, and not to miss, over 6 million years old, there is a reason why this is called 'Grand' Canyon. Just watching the colourful landscape and the thick sequence of ancient rock makes you feel tiny, really tiny in this world. There are times when we give too much importance to our presence in this world, right? I couldn't help but concur with this wisecrack who said 'Travelling makes one modest. You see the tiny space you occupy in the world'. It was that massive!

It was my first-ever trip to the USA, in March-April, this year. And I had to choose GC over Niagara falls. Thankfully, my sister lives in Phoenix and there's no way we could have missed sight-hopping GC anyway. So, we drove to Grand Canyon's South Rim, which is popular with the tourists. The road to GC is undoubtedly scenic that I couldn't help but take as many time-lapse videos of our journey. We parked the car and spotted a store nearby. We wanted to fill up our bottles for a long hike. And I still remember the taste of water, which I was told is from Colorado river. It was sparkling sweet and I have never-ever tasted water that good.

As we walked towards the entry, I realised that nothing can really you prepare you to look at this beauty. I have seen ample number of photos, videos of GC, but when you see it in-person, I can assure that you will be bowled over by its magnificence.

And every time I stopped by to see the beauty and grandeur of Canyon, I saw a different side of this world wonder. After basking the heat in Phoenix, the weather in Canyon was pleasant.  Chilly winds made our hike tireless. And my my... we walked a lot. The walk so pleasurable, so much so that even my twin nieces didn't make a fuss walking that long. We jumped, stood by the rocks, and took pictures in almost every spot. But the pictures on the phone, or even in my SLR, didn't do justice to the opulence of GC.

We watched the sunset over the Canyon and I can assure you that no artificial light can make you look that good on pictures (always a sunset girl). As a first visit, I was content ticking off a dream destination on my list.

Oh, wait. I am not done yet. While it was impossible to hike down GC. We did another tour of Lower Antelope Canyon, the following week. If Grand Canyon was an experience in itself, walking through the Lower Antelope Canyon was on a different level. The narrow slit in the earth allows you to explore the oldest sandstone cliff, which sure left me amazed. I have seen pictures of these on Windows (options you get in wallpapers, remember?), but I never thought these are for real. But hola, the waves are for REAL. We had this guide who not just spoke about its history, but also taught us to use our phone cameras better, to capture the orange-red-brown beauty. To climb those steep stairs and walk around Lower Antelope Canyon is a memory for a lifetime.

Well, there's so much that I loved about my trip to the US of A. But that story is for another time.

Cheers
S

A paradise called Goa

I made my first trip to Goa when I was 29. Too late, some might debate. But I wondered why I never made any effort to go there. Every time I skim through my holiday pictures of Goa, I want to be magically transported there. After hearing a lot about their beaches, shacks, the architecture et al, I wanted to go there simply to try and comprehend what the 'Goa buzz' was all about (my husband was making his sixth trip and he wasn't bored one bit.) Eventually, when things materialised, I was kicked. And once I landed, there it was… an idyllic paradise called Goa.

It was November, but there was no dearth of sunshine. The first time we took our vehicle out to explore - I zipped pass through narrow lanes, enclosed by palms, only to see a different side of Goa at every stop. In fact, it was at that moment I fell in love with the sunshine state. During the day, we soaked in the sun. And in the evenings, it was the chilly wind that kissed me, every time we sat on the golden sands. Goa, for me, was like meditation - it gave me the much-needed calm to my mind and soul, post the disastrous year that I had. Whenever we sat in the beach, my mind was still. Well, which place can do that to you?

Since it was my first trip, I did all the touristy stuff -  Fort Aguada, Basilica of Bom Jesus, Chapora Fort, Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception Church, Anjuna beach, Baga, Calungute - you name it and we have been there. And I enjoyed every bit of my travel sojourn, walking miles together, getting free vitamin D, having too much aqua, drinking all the local beverages, savoring every dish and capturing every view that I wanted to take away home with.

The only time I didn't take a photo was in Anjuna. It was Wednesday and there was flea. We haggled with almost every other vendor to buy a piece of Goa (and Djembe), which led itself to the glorious Anjuna beach. My husband said that the sunset here is a sight to behold. And as we waited, I saw the picturesque glorious sun, spreading its light into the sparkling blue waters. At this moment, somehow, I didn’t hurry up to take my camera as this view was truly magical. I could hear a faint sound of George Michael’s hits playing in the background, families and couples quietly enjoying the sun and sand. Everything was perfect around me, and so was the sunset, in all its splendor. I fail to fathom why sunsets are underrated (The other sunset that’s still afresh in my memory was in Marine Drive, Mumbai).

Since my husband was making his umpteenth trip, we also decided to explore a side of Goa, which he hasn’t seen. My sister suggested I visit Mario Mirranda’s gallery. Goa has an artistic side and is known for its painted tiles. We first went to the store in Panjim. We loved his works and even bought a couple of paintings. We wanted to check out his other store in Porvorim, where architect Gerard De Cunha works out of. And once we landed at the store, it was love at first sight. The entire place was done up so beautifully. We bought a couple of more paintings, which adorns our living room now.

The best part of Goa is that there's something for everybody. If you are the partying sorts, there's North Goa. If you want a quieter ambiance albeit with beaches, South Goa is the place to head to. And the place offers a lot for the adventure junkies (I took a water sport for the first time), then there's the cultural side in Panjim, a smell of the past in Vasco and so on. Goa is your medicine for any ailment.  

We went back to the airport with extra luggage. But that’s OK. After all, we took a piece of Goa with us. And right there at the airport, I made a promise to myself – that I will do an annual visit to the sunshine state. It shook me up, rejuvenated me and made me fall in love with beaches a tad more than I already have.

Cheers 

P.S: Not to miss, Goa has a vibrant food scene... a haven for seafood lovers... be it north Goa or South Goa, don’t forget to head to all the Goa faves when you’re there.

This chapter is closed

May 4 - the day my husband and I waited anxiously for. I wanted to see earlier, but he was in America, shooting for a classical music festival. And right after he got home, I had to leave to Abu Dhabi for work. Eventually, I got back to Chennai, and on the way home from the airport, we picked up a home pregnancy test kit.

Cut to May 4 now, the day that was supposed to change our lives. Somehow, I always knew that I had gotten pregnant. I was having cramps, more of period-like cramps, but Google doctors (you can judge me) said it was normal to have cramps. Also, I visited the loo more often, another symptom that's a win for pregnancy.

We set alarms, kept a plastic cup ready in the bathroom along with our HPT kit. And as expected, it came out positive. We couldn't contain our excitement. I wanted to announce to the world, but had to stay mum until we met the doctor, later in the day. After work, we went to see the doctor. She, too, confirmed that I was pregnant after doing urine test. But when she did an ultrasound to see where the baby was, she couldn't find it. She alerted that I take a blood test right away and come the following the day for a detailed ultrasound.

This put me off, I knew something was wrong. Nevertheless, we came the following morning for the scan only to be told that my darling baby was sitting in the fallopian tube. It was confirmed that I had an ectopic. I still remember crying to my husband near the scan room. The one question that went back and forth was  - ‘Why me?’ We were asked to do a scan again by a senior sonographer in their other centre, in Mylapore. I cried throughout the journey. When I was waiting outside the room for my turn, I stopped crying and asked my husband whether all this was worth it. I decided never to have a child. And by the time I was making all these promises in a whim, they called me to the scan room.

Here comes another shocker – my baby darling had already developed a heartbeat – and I heard it. I was asked to get admitted as the doctors had given me an injection to kill the growing baby in the wrong place. Yes, they had to destroy my darling baby.

The following day I was discharged and asked to take blood tests after two days to see if my hCG levels were coming down (to see if the medicine was working). And if it didn’t, I would have to go through a surgery to get my darling baby removed. In a matter of day's time, our prayers were different – to get the baby dissolve. Like always, luck didn’t favour us this time, too. When our blood results came, it shot up to an extent that my darling baby thought it was growing in my uterus (makku, makku baby). Eventually, I had to go through a surgery to get it removed.

And unlike my usual self, I wasn’t scared, especially since I knew how life threatening this could be. Of course, I was highly anxious to get this done with, but not scared. And by this time, I lost the connect with my makku baby, who sat in the tube instead of my uterus. I wanted to come out strong for my husband and family members who were there beside me. After a 45-minute surgery, I came out relieved.

There was recovery – I couldn’t pee, move myself, couldn’t walk, couldn’t bend, couldn’t take shower – to doing all of these in a matter of a day’s time. My two-week rest period was over and I was back in office. I began cooking, too, as my husband felt it would ease up my mental wounds. Days passed, weeks flew and months went by in a flutter, but I was reeling in depression. Yes, it was depressing of going through this whole mess of not having baby, of having a baby with a heartbeat secured in the wrong spot, of being hospitalised, of going through a surgery and of not having a happy ending.

Some blamed me for not going to the doctor early - ‘Why didn’t you go early?’ ‘You could have dissolved through the shot’, they asked. But I didn’t go because I never anticipated that something like this would happen. Do you think that you would have a miscarriage or ectopic right after you know that you are pregnant? No, right? Who would have thought I would be one in a 1000 to have an ectopic pregnancy!

Ectopic had only got me depressed. The big ‘Why me’ had only triggered all my insecurities and put me in a bad, bad spot for months. At times, I wanted to run away from the people I knew. There were times when I had to deal with suicidal thoughts, too. But a few weeks later, this would fade. You begin to judge yourself, ask if you would ever be able to get preggers and wonder if there would ever be a little munchkin to complete your family portrait. I went through all of this, and more. But all thanks to my biggest pillar of support, my husband, I learnt to take it easy. He literally pulled me out from a pool of sorrows.

Sometimes, I wanted to sit with my close peeps to vent it out. But not many try to understand your plight. For starters, many don't even know something like this exists. I was angry with myself, my friends and family. But I realised I was wrong. I decided to keep this secret baby just to myself. I didn't want to tell them only to go through the pain of remembering the incident all over again. 

And this recovery period also cost me from doing my regular fitness routine. I had to stop running for a few months until I was fit. This has only resulted in weight gain. Needless to say, I was all the more put off. 

There was a time when almost all of friends were getting pregnant and making babies. Some wanted it the way they had planned it. Few others didn't even want to get pregnant, but went on to make babies. I was not happy. I was jealous of the fact that everyone were having it their way, except me. I was jealous that so many people could get pregnant so easily when we were still reeling in the pressure of getting my periods on time. I was jealous.  But I was ashamed that I thinking this way of my friends. But let me you, this phase is very natural. When I confided to a few people about this (after much though, though), they helped me understand why I was insecure. They told me it was normal to have these thoughts and that this doesn’t really mean that you are jealous of your friend/family. This only means that you are reeling under the pressure of wanting your own baby.

Today, I am in a much better space. I do have my low days, but they move in a flash. I want to pat myself and thank all those who helped me survive these days, especially my husband. I am writing this to get this out of my system, so that I can see sunshine in my sky.  I don’t know if we would have a baby in the future. But I do know that good things happen to those who wait. We will wait for our turn. 

Oh yes, God is definitely there. After all, he was the one who saved me from a bigger danger. Whad'ya think? 

Cheers, 

Sharanya 

My fat-to-healthy journey

For being that person who was literally called "air" by many during my gawky teenage years and fitting into almost any type of dress - being 'mocked'  (yes, mocked) as fat is difficult. It was difficult to a point where it almost led me to depression. I come from a typical south-Indian-rice-eating family. My breakfast was loaded with carbs, and so was my lunch and dinner. However, there was seldom a moment when I stuffed food in my tummy. They called me poor eater. I always had small-sized meals and was happy binging on the occasional sweets and home-made snacks for festivals. Everything was almost normal until I was in school. When I joined college, I slowly started to see changes in my weight. I was becoming chubby. Later, I had issues with my periods. I went to a doctor for a check-up and she told me that I had PCOS. She warned me that this will lead me to weight gain, which means I have to keep a check on what I eat. However, I never focused. I was happy following the same diet over the years. I used to join the gym if I crossed the 60kg mark. Back then, I never put in too much effort. I used to walk on the treadmill, EFX or cycle – of course, with no effort whatsoever. It was always the hour-count. If I worked out for an hour, it simply meant that I was good. I expected results in a month's span. Later, I eventually lost interest.

Then I moved to Bangalore to start my glorious career as a Journalist. The place where I used to stay, and my office, didn't have a direct bus. I had to reach Sivaji Nagar Bus Stand to take another bus to MG Road. Mornings, I used to take two buses to reach office. In the evenings, I liked to walk till Sivaji Nagar bus stop with my iPod on. At this stage, I had already piled on some kilos owing to new-place-new-restaurant-joints-happiness. I was having almost anything people recommended. Being born in a vegetarian family, I started my ‘trials’ with Chicken. I still remember how I used to have cream bun and bun omelet almost every single day. We moved to a new office in Richmond Road. I had friends who introduced me to pork and beef. There were a couple of kaati roll joints in that locality. That was my evening snack. I was almost 66 kg around this time. I looked fat. This is it. I joined the gym.

It was around the same time, I moved to another publication that had its office in Church Street, MG Road. This particular high-profile locality had many restaurants, pubs and small-eats, where I was spoilt for choices. Of the numerous biriyanis, chicken roll, beers and pani puris - Sharanya was now a person who couldn't be recognized. I was a whopping 74 kgs at this point. I avoided taking pictures with people just so that I don’t see my fat self. All the images were merely cropped to my face that saved me from a bigger embarrassment. My go-to outfit was jeans paired with a loose kurta/top, which I thought would work well for my body type. I never cared if dresses that I liked didn’t fit me. I eventually found clothes for my size – which was XL at this point.

Simultaneously, my family was on the lookout for a groom. I had gotten over my ex-boyfriend successfully after years of trying to fix the relationship. Though I tried to negotiate some more time with them, it never worked out. I was searching for boys on matrimony sites with the help of my sister. Whosoever profile I liked, I somehow never got the same response from them. There was one particular dude, who got all excited after knowing that I was a journalist. He wanted to meet me. I went ahead to meet him. But he saw me… he was evidently disappointed after seeing my size. He went on to humiliate me so much that he was actually trying to sell a diet plan to me. With much disappointment, I went back to square one.   

My periods went for a toss. I almost never had a period for several months and took pills to regularize it. One day, when I went shopping with my sister, I checked out this store that had lovely anarkali salwar collection. I wanted to try one and see how it looks on me. I opened the door of the store and asked him for the price of one. He said, “Looking for you?” I said, “Yes” and he immediately shot back saying, “We don’t have clothes for your size.” I was almost in tears. No, I didn’t mean to say that he hurt me. But all the people who commented on my ‘size’ just blew me up after this ‘straight’ comment.

I went back to the gym, spoke to my trainer, and began working out seriously. It was at a party when I met this socialite, who was once chubby, looking all fit. I spoke to her and she introduced me to her dietician. I met Swati (my dietician) and told her a list of all the things I eat. She charted a diet plan based on my eating habits. Two days later, after shopping for the list of things she had prescribed, I began my weight-loss journey.

When people ask me if I am on diet, they think I starve. But the people who actually sat next to me in office knew the number of dabbas that I brought to work. I had short meals every two hours. I would be lying if I said I enjoyed it. From changing my high-on-carb breakfast to cutting down on the junk food – everything went for a change. I actually understood the statement ‘weight loss involves a lifestyle change’. But I was never on a soup/salad diet even for a day. Every week Swati would ask me to check my weight and tell me how much I weighed. I also began changing my workout routine. I quit all the walking-on-treadmill mindlessly and began running. I tried. I push my limit by the minute. I quit that gym and moved to a new gym where my trainer Sunil was working. He had no mercy. When I whine, he would ask me, “You want to lose weight, na?” It was hard, but it felt good. 

What’s a diet without some temptation? I got to go to all the five-star hotels for event coverage, team lunches and was exposed to the best of varieties. I chose the healthy ones available. When people said I inspire them, I felt proud. I continued my regime for six months. I lost around 14 kgs. I was 60. I went back to normal diet, of course, with a list of dos and don’ts. I increased my workout and lost four more kgs by February 2014. I was weighing 56, which eventually means I lost 18 kilos in total.

Friends, family and who ever I met were stunned. Sunil wanted a picture of ‘Before and After’ for his gym … ha ha ha! Midway through my weight-loss, my dad uploaded a new picture on the site and I got some proposals. Compliments, compliments and more compliments are still on my way.

I couldn’t have done it without my sister, who cooked every single meal for me.

I couldn’t have done it without Swati, who charted out a plan.

I couldn’t have done it without Sunil, who didn’t charge an extra penny for customizing my workout and helped me reach where I am.

I couldn’t have done it without the encouragement from my friends and family.

Lastly, I couldn’t have done if I didn’t want it. If everyone was by my side, it was because I was determined, motivated and had all it took to reach this point. 

I found someone outside matrimony… fell in love… and got married. He, unlike the dude who humiliated me, accepts the way I look. He knows to see the prettier side minus the size. I put on three kilos now. But it is OK. When I look back, I realized that girls undergo so much pressure to look in a certain way. The society pushes you. How many of you all say, “She is a pretty girl.” Instead of “Even though she is fat, she is pretty.” This is just an example. But we go on to judge people based on their weight. We judge them on the number that shows on the weighing scale. That doesn’t define who you are. 

Even though I swing through having a bit of rice, healthy meal and a little bit of junk occasionally, I have realized that I need to be fit and feel fit from within. I still have some weight around my waist, love handles and some on my thighs. But I am not trying to be a model aiming for flash-board abs. I just want to be within the ideal weight zone, keep my BMI intact, get my periods on time and feel alive. I look healthy now.  I have learnt to accept the metabolism of my body. Of course, I cringe, cry, and whine…when people eat normally. I am forever on a diet, looking for healthy options and rarely indulge on unhealthy snack. I also snap, be the ‘mean me’ when people comment about my body unnecessarily. But in this whole exercise, I realized that it is not just about determination, motivation and hard work. You also need to work on it emotionally. Though I don’t want to get too preachy, I want people to be kind when they make remarks like, “You have put on a lot of weight or Look how much is she eating.” This doesn’t mean that you encourage chubby women to go on an eating spree. You can instead encourage (if you are close to them otherwise zip your fucking mouth) them to be healthy. 

But no matter how much weight I lose, how much I weigh, I will always be a fat girl in my head. I will continue to work on this – because I can. I will.