The men who had my heart

I recently took a week off to get away from my usual routine. Apart from spending time with my sister and niece in Bengaluru, I also did a lot of Netflix. So, my niece suggested we watch ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’, a high-rated teen flick. I loved the film... took me back to my glorious days of being invisible (ha!). It was around this time when I finished reading Eleanor and Park, a heartwarming story of first love, so lovely penned by Rainbow Rowell. So, watching the movie and reading this book (which was around the same time), I reminisced about my first love and zillion crushes I’ve had.

And then it struck me...why shouldn't I write about them? I am going to write about all of them (OK, most of them), but without taking their full names. So, here goes my story...

LK: He was our tenant. A copy editor working for a prestigious newspaper (still is). I was in class eight, I think. He had a bullet, lived with his father, and was big on fitness (check all). But wait, the cake had to be the fact that he looked exactly like Tennis star Andre Agassi (oh yea, I have a thing for bald, hot men). I casually began visiting their place to give something or the other (mummies always want to share their food on Diwali, Pongal, no?). I wanted to see this cutie, instead I ended up chatting with his father. One day, he suddenly showed up from work when his father and I were chatting. There was a formal introduction, which then paved the way into a beautiful friendship. I developed interest in writing and showed my blog (blimey). We’ve had some craziest conversations, some of which I still remember. He has always mentioned that I was way matured for my age. I still remember his idea of partying on New Year’s. “You begin the year by drinking… what a waste of money,” he said. His passion for fitness pushed him to start a gym 15 years later. And I, sort of, became the person I am today because of him. I even went for this cutie’s marriage, who has a 10-year-old son now. But we aren't in touch now. 

SH: He is my friend’s brother’s friend (phew). Too hot. Too cute. Too sexy. So, a bunch of us had a crush on him. My best friend Maggie and I made prank calls, met him eventually, and even bought him a chocolate (Diary Milk). We posed as Aarthi and Keerthi (plus, faked our age), which he eventually found out. But he’s still a hottie!

V: He was my neighbour. Tall, thin and a sweet-looking boy. I used to be up so early to drop my sister in the bus stop so that I can get a glimpse of him. My sister and V went to the same college. It was a silent crush. We seldom spoke, but awkwardly smiled whenever we bumped into each other.

S: He’s a school crush I am embarrassed to talk about. My best friend Sow used to call me ‘Platinum Princess’ because he was sucha ‘blade’ (get the reference?). Rich dude, my father’s friend’s son, who always spoke about his achievements, like always. Thick brows, thin boy and charming smile, but the more you know him, the more you blame yourself for having that crush. 

PK: He was my first love, my only real relationship that lasted for about seven-odd years. If you know me well, you should know about PK, too. Class 12, march past and this boy was in the first row. Tall, dark and handsome – enuf, no? Like Trisha says in 96, he was my aambala naatukatta. He was my best friend’s BFF. We got introduced and soon started chatting over phone. Slowly, we fell in love. He left to Coimbatore to pursue his graduation. So, ours was mostly a long-distance relationship. He came back to Chennai for a job, and eventually decided to leave India for further studies. In all those years that we were together, we broke up like 100 times. The problem, for us, was ego. I had demands… he had demands. But neither of us were willing to compromise. It all boiled down to the 'B' word. We parted ways on a mutual note. Recently, he and his wife visited us. We partied at our place. He even brought us a gift, my husband’s favourite beer from Denmark (goals). We are not really friends… but wish the best for each other.

R: So, post the PK phase, I wasn’t really in a mood to mingle. But all of us must move on at some point, right? It was then I met this hottie at work. We became good friends. This cutie and a few other friends in Bengaluru added colour to my life. Oh yes, I did have some spark... at a later stage. Dangerously late, if I may say so. But I knew that it was never meant to be. We are still friends, though.   

SK: This was the time when I gave in to my father’s idea of scouting boys on matrimony. I had fun doing this exercise, coz bruh, you get to choose the boy you want on internet (aha!). I wasn’t really against the whole thing, but I wanted someone from the creative field and I couldn’t find anyone on matrimony. So, we took a break from this. I happened to tell my friend about finding a boy in the media field. And that's when she suggested I meet her friend SK. I have always known SK. Oh yes, he had a girlfriend back then, and I had my thing going on. But I never envisioned the first date or falling in love with him. So, this friend hooked us up. I met this boy on a day when he was hungover. We exchanged numbers and began talking. Didn’t I say that I have a thing for tall, thin, boys? He, too, was tall, thin but not dark. People say I have the prettiest smile (yes, I do). But I think he has the warmest smile. SK is the funniest guy I’ve met. He jokes just about everything, talks a lot, and respects you and your choices. We dated only for a few months, but you always know, right? SK is honest, hardworking and has an extremely lovely set of friends and family, who are very involved in his life. He is a magnet... if you know him, you will like him. We've had the best times in Bangalore - late night talks, demolishing beer towers, going to pubs to get free shots, and of course, indulged in some fantastic conversations. I had a magical proposal - candle light dinner, ‘will you marry me’ on cake and a sparkling watch as a gift. But it was his eyes that I was impressed with the most. It spoke truth and trust. Oh yes, we've had our share of tough times. But I am so fortunate to have had those as we wouldn’t be the people we are right now if not for the fights. SK, dear people, is my husband. 

Did I fuck up your memories? Well, it's holiday season...  All is fair in love, no? <3  

See you for now, 

S 

A wonder called Grand Canyon

Do you know that feeling when you go to a place and all the worries and anxieties in your life seem so minuscule in comparison to the larger scheme of things? I did feel that way when I went to Grand Canyon. 29km wide, 446km long, depth of 6,093, and not to miss, over 6 million years old, there is a reason why this is called 'Grand' Canyon. Just watching the colourful landscape and the thick sequence of ancient rock makes you feel tiny, really tiny in this world. There are times when we give too much importance to our presence in this world, right? I couldn't help but concur with this wisecrack who said 'Travelling makes one modest. You see the tiny space you occupy in the world'. It was that massive!

It was my first-ever trip to the USA, in March-April, this year. And I had to choose GC over Niagara falls. Thankfully, my sister lives in Phoenix and there's no way we could have missed sight-hopping GC anyway. So, we drove to Grand Canyon's South Rim, which is popular with the tourists. The road to GC is undoubtedly scenic that I couldn't help but take as many time-lapse videos of our journey. We parked the car and spotted a store nearby. We wanted to fill up our bottles for a long hike. And I still remember the taste of water, which I was told is from Colorado river. It was sparkling sweet and I have never-ever tasted water that good.

As we walked towards the entry, I realised that nothing can really you prepare you to look at this beauty. I have seen ample number of photos, videos of GC, but when you see it in-person, I can assure that you will be bowled over by its magnificence.

And every time I stopped by to see the beauty and grandeur of Canyon, I saw a different side of this world wonder. After basking the heat in Phoenix, the weather in Canyon was pleasant.  Chilly winds made our hike tireless. And my my... we walked a lot. The walk so pleasurable, so much so that even my twin nieces didn't make a fuss walking that long. We jumped, stood by the rocks, and took pictures in almost every spot. But the pictures on the phone, or even in my SLR, didn't do justice to the opulence of GC.

We watched the sunset over the Canyon and I can assure you that no artificial light can make you look that good on pictures (always a sunset girl). As a first visit, I was content ticking off a dream destination on my list.

Oh, wait. I am not done yet. While it was impossible to hike down GC. We did another tour of Lower Antelope Canyon, the following week. If Grand Canyon was an experience in itself, walking through the Lower Antelope Canyon was on a different level. The narrow slit in the earth allows you to explore the oldest sandstone cliff, which sure left me amazed. I have seen pictures of these on Windows (options you get in wallpapers, remember?), but I never thought these are for real. But hola, the waves are for REAL. We had this guide who not just spoke about its history, but also taught us to use our phone cameras better, to capture the orange-red-brown beauty. To climb those steep stairs and walk around Lower Antelope Canyon is a memory for a lifetime.

Well, there's so much that I loved about my trip to the US of A. But that story is for another time.

Cheers
S

A paradise called Goa

I made my first trip to Goa when I was 29. Too late, some might debate. But I wondered why I never made any effort to go there. Every time I skim through my holiday pictures of Goa, I want to be magically transported there. After hearing a lot about their beaches, shacks, the architecture et al, I wanted to go there simply to try and comprehend what the 'Goa buzz' was all about (my husband was making his sixth trip and he wasn't bored one bit.) Eventually, when things materialised, I was kicked. And once I landed, there it was… an idyllic paradise called Goa.

It was November, but there was no dearth of sunshine. The first time we took our vehicle out to explore - I zipped pass through narrow lanes, enclosed by palms, only to see a different side of Goa at every stop. In fact, it was at that moment I fell in love with the sunshine state. During the day, we soaked in the sun. And in the evenings, it was the chilly wind that kissed me, every time we sat on the golden sands. Goa, for me, was like meditation - it gave me the much-needed calm to my mind and soul, post the disastrous year that I had. Whenever we sat in the beach, my mind was still. Well, which place can do that to you?

Since it was my first trip, I did all the touristy stuff -  Fort Aguada, Basilica of Bom Jesus, Chapora Fort, Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception Church, Anjuna beach, Baga, Calungute - you name it and we have been there. And I enjoyed every bit of my travel sojourn, walking miles together, getting free vitamin D, having too much aqua, drinking all the local beverages, savoring every dish and capturing every view that I wanted to take away home with.

The only time I didn't take a photo was in Anjuna. It was Wednesday and there was flea. We haggled with almost every other vendor to buy a piece of Goa (and Djembe), which led itself to the glorious Anjuna beach. My husband said that the sunset here is a sight to behold. And as we waited, I saw the picturesque glorious sun, spreading its light into the sparkling blue waters. At this moment, somehow, I didn’t hurry up to take my camera as this view was truly magical. I could hear a faint sound of George Michael’s hits playing in the background, families and couples quietly enjoying the sun and sand. Everything was perfect around me, and so was the sunset, in all its splendor. I fail to fathom why sunsets are underrated (The other sunset that’s still afresh in my memory was in Marine Drive, Mumbai).

Since my husband was making his umpteenth trip, we also decided to explore a side of Goa, which he hasn’t seen. My sister suggested I visit Mario Mirranda’s gallery. Goa has an artistic side and is known for its painted tiles. We first went to the store in Panjim. We loved his works and even bought a couple of paintings. We wanted to check out his other store in Porvorim, where architect Gerard De Cunha works out of. And once we landed at the store, it was love at first sight. The entire place was done up so beautifully. We bought a couple of more paintings, which adorns our living room now.

The best part of Goa is that there's something for everybody. If you are the partying sorts, there's North Goa. If you want a quieter ambiance albeit with beaches, South Goa is the place to head to. And the place offers a lot for the adventure junkies (I took a water sport for the first time), then there's the cultural side in Panjim, a smell of the past in Vasco and so on. Goa is your medicine for any ailment.  

We went back to the airport with extra luggage. But that’s OK. After all, we took a piece of Goa with us. And right there at the airport, I made a promise to myself – that I will do an annual visit to the sunshine state. It shook me up, rejuvenated me and made me fall in love with beaches a tad more than I already have.

Cheers 

P.S: Not to miss, Goa has a vibrant food scene... a haven for seafood lovers... be it north Goa or South Goa, don’t forget to head to all the Goa faves when you’re there.

This chapter is closed

May 4 - the day my husband and I waited anxiously for. I wanted to see earlier, but he was in America, shooting for a classical music festival. And right after he got home, I had to leave to Abu Dhabi for work. Eventually, I got back to Chennai, and on the way home from the airport, we picked up a home pregnancy test kit.

Cut to May 4 now, the day that was supposed to change our lives. Somehow, I always knew that I had gotten pregnant. I was having cramps, more of period-like cramps, but Google doctors (you can judge me) said it was normal to have cramps. Also, I visited the loo more often, another symptom that's a win for pregnancy.

We set alarms, kept a plastic cup ready in the bathroom along with our HPT kit. And as expected, it came out positive. We couldn't contain our excitement. I wanted to announce to the world, but had to stay mum until we met the doctor, later in the day. After work, we went to see the doctor. She, too, confirmed that I was pregnant after doing urine test. But when she did an ultrasound to see where the baby was, she couldn't find it. She alerted that I take a blood test right away and come the following the day for a detailed ultrasound.

This put me off, I knew something was wrong. Nevertheless, we came the following morning for the scan only to be told that my darling baby was sitting in the fallopian tube. It was confirmed that I had an ectopic. I still remember crying to my husband near the scan room. The one question that went back and forth was  - ‘Why me?’ We were asked to do a scan again by a senior sonographer in their other centre, in Mylapore. I cried throughout the journey. When I was waiting outside the room for my turn, I stopped crying and asked my husband whether all this was worth it. I decided never to have a child. And by the time I was making all these promises in a whim, they called me to the scan room.

Here comes another shocker – my baby darling had already developed a heartbeat – and I heard it. I was asked to get admitted as the doctors had given me an injection to kill the growing baby in the wrong place. Yes, they had to destroy my darling baby.

The following day I was discharged and asked to take blood tests after two days to see if my hCG levels were coming down (to see if the medicine was working). And if it didn’t, I would have to go through a surgery to get my darling baby removed. In a matter of day's time, our prayers were different – to get the baby dissolve. Like always, luck didn’t favour us this time, too. When our blood results came, it shot up to an extent that my darling baby thought it was growing in my uterus (makku, makku baby). Eventually, I had to go through a surgery to get it removed.

And unlike my usual self, I wasn’t scared, especially since I knew how life threatening this could be. Of course, I was highly anxious to get this done with, but not scared. And by this time, I lost the connect with my makku baby, who sat in the tube instead of my uterus. I wanted to come out strong for my husband and family members who were there beside me. After a 45-minute surgery, I came out relieved.

There was recovery – I couldn’t pee, move myself, couldn’t walk, couldn’t bend, couldn’t take shower – to doing all of these in a matter of a day’s time. My two-week rest period was over and I was back in office. I began cooking, too, as my husband felt it would ease up my mental wounds. Days passed, weeks flew and months went by in a flutter, but I was reeling in depression. Yes, it was depressing of going through this whole mess of not having baby, of having a baby with a heartbeat secured in the wrong spot, of being hospitalised, of going through a surgery and of not having a happy ending.

Some blamed me for not going to the doctor early - ‘Why didn’t you go early?’ ‘You could have dissolved through the shot’, they asked. But I didn’t go because I never anticipated that something like this would happen. Do you think that you would have a miscarriage or ectopic right after you know that you are pregnant? No, right? Who would have thought I would be one in a 1000 to have an ectopic pregnancy!

Ectopic had only got me depressed. The big ‘Why me’ had only triggered all my insecurities and put me in a bad, bad spot for months. At times, I wanted to run away from the people I knew. There were times when I had to deal with suicidal thoughts, too. But a few weeks later, this would fade. You begin to judge yourself, ask if you would ever be able to get preggers and wonder if there would ever be a little munchkin to complete your family portrait. I went through all of this, and more. But all thanks to my biggest pillar of support, my husband, I learnt to take it easy. He literally pulled me out from a pool of sorrows.

Sometimes, I wanted to sit with my close peeps to vent it out. But not many try to understand your plight. For starters, many don't even know something like this exists. I was angry with myself, my friends and family. But I realised I was wrong. I decided to keep this secret baby just to myself. I didn't want to tell them only to go through the pain of remembering the incident all over again. 

And this recovery period also cost me from doing my regular fitness routine. I had to stop running for a few months until I was fit. This has only resulted in weight gain. Needless to say, I was all the more put off. 

There was a time when almost all of friends were getting pregnant and making babies. Some wanted it the way they had planned it. Few others didn't even want to get pregnant, but went on to make babies. I was not happy. I was jealous of the fact that everyone were having it their way, except me. I was jealous that so many people could get pregnant so easily when we were still reeling in the pressure of getting my periods on time. I was jealous.  But I was ashamed that I thinking this way of my friends. But let me you, this phase is very natural. When I confided to a few people about this (after much though, though), they helped me understand why I was insecure. They told me it was normal to have these thoughts and that this doesn’t really mean that you are jealous of your friend/family. This only means that you are reeling under the pressure of wanting your own baby.

Today, I am in a much better space. I do have my low days, but they move in a flash. I want to pat myself and thank all those who helped me survive these days, especially my husband. I am writing this to get this out of my system, so that I can see sunshine in my sky.  I don’t know if we would have a baby in the future. But I do know that good things happen to those who wait. We will wait for our turn. 

Oh yes, God is definitely there. After all, he was the one who saved me from a bigger danger. Whad'ya think? 

Cheers, 

Sharanya