This chapter is closed

May 4 - the day my husband and I waited anxiously for. I wanted to see earlier, but he was in America, shooting for a classical music festival. And right after he got home, I had to leave to Abu Dhabi for work. Eventually, I got back to Chennai, and on the way home from the airport, we picked up a home pregnancy test kit.

Cut to May 4 now, the day that was supposed to change our lives. Somehow, I always knew that I had gotten pregnant. I was having cramps, more of period-like cramps, but Google doctors (you can judge me) said it was normal to have cramps. Also, I visited the loo more often, another symptom that's a win for pregnancy.

We set alarms, kept a plastic cup ready in the bathroom along with our HPT kit. And as expected, it came out positive. We couldn't contain our excitement. I wanted to announce to the world, but had to stay mum until we met the doctor, later in the day. After work, we went to see the doctor. She, too, confirmed that I was pregnant after doing urine test. But when she did an ultrasound to see where the baby was, she couldn't find it. She alerted that I take a blood test right away and come the following the day for a detailed ultrasound.

This put me off, I knew something was wrong. Nevertheless, we came the following morning for the scan only to be told that my darling baby was sitting in the fallopian tube. It was confirmed that I had an ectopic. I still remember crying to my husband near the scan room. The one question that went back and forth was  - ‘Why me?’ We were asked to do a scan again by a senior sonographer in their other centre, in Mylapore. I cried throughout the journey. When I was waiting outside the room for my turn, I stopped crying and asked my husband whether all this was worth it. I decided never to have a child. And by the time I was making all these promises in a whim, they called me to the scan room.

Here comes another shocker – my baby darling had already developed a heartbeat – and I heard it. I was asked to get admitted as the doctors had given me an injection to kill the growing baby in the wrong place. Yes, they had to destroy my darling baby.

The following day I was discharged and asked to take blood tests after two days to see if my hCG levels were coming down (to see if the medicine was working). And if it didn’t, I would have to go through a surgery to get my darling baby removed. In a matter of day's time, our prayers were different – to get the baby dissolve. Like always, luck didn’t favour us this time, too. When our blood results came, it shot up to an extent that my darling baby thought it was growing in my uterus (makku, makku baby). Eventually, I had to go through a surgery to get it removed.

And unlike my usual self, I wasn’t scared, especially since I knew how life threatening this could be. Of course, I was highly anxious to get this done with, but not scared. And by this time, I lost the connect with my makku baby, who sat in the tube instead of my uterus. I wanted to come out strong for my husband and family members who were there beside me. After a 45-minute surgery, I came out relieved.

There was recovery – I couldn’t pee, move myself, couldn’t walk, couldn’t bend, couldn’t take shower – to doing all of these in a matter of a day’s time. My two-week rest period was over and I was back in office. I began cooking, too, as my husband felt it would ease up my mental wounds. Days passed, weeks flew and months went by in a flutter, but I was reeling in depression. Yes, it was depressing of going through this whole mess of not having baby, of having a baby with a heartbeat secured in the wrong spot, of being hospitalised, of going through a surgery and of not having a happy ending.

Some blamed me for not going to the doctor early - ‘Why didn’t you go early?’ ‘You could have dissolved through the shot’, they asked. But I didn’t go because I never anticipated that something like this would happen. Do you think that you would have a miscarriage or ectopic right after you know that you are pregnant? No, right? Who would have thought I would be one in a 1000 to have an ectopic pregnancy!

Ectopic had only got me depressed. The big ‘Why me’ had only triggered all my insecurities and put me in a bad, bad spot for months. At times, I wanted to run away from the people I knew. There were times when I had to deal with suicidal thoughts, too. But a few weeks later, this would fade. You begin to judge yourself, ask if you would ever be able to get preggers and wonder if there would ever be a little munchkin to complete your family portrait. I went through all of this, and more. But all thanks to my biggest pillar of support, my husband, I learnt to take it easy. He literally pulled me out from a pool of sorrows.

Sometimes, I wanted to sit with my close peeps to vent it out. But not many try to understand your plight. For starters, many don't even know something like this exists. I was angry with myself, my friends and family. But I realised I was wrong. I decided to keep this secret baby just to myself. I didn't want to tell them only to go through the pain of remembering the incident all over again. 

And this recovery period also cost me from doing my regular fitness routine. I had to stop running for a few months until I was fit. This has only resulted in weight gain. Needless to say, I was all the more put off. 

There was a time when almost all of friends were getting pregnant and making babies. Some wanted it the way they had planned it. Few others didn't even want to get pregnant, but went on to make babies. I was not happy. I was jealous of the fact that everyone were having it their way, except me. I was jealous that so many people could get pregnant so easily when we were still reeling in the pressure of getting my periods on time. I was jealous.  But I was ashamed that I thinking this way of my friends. But let me you, this phase is very natural. When I confided to a few people about this (after much though, though), they helped me understand why I was insecure. They told me it was normal to have these thoughts and that this doesn’t really mean that you are jealous of your friend/family. This only means that you are reeling under the pressure of wanting your own baby.

Today, I am in a much better space. I do have my low days, but they move in a flash. I want to pat myself and thank all those who helped me survive these days, especially my husband. I am writing this to get this out of my system, so that I can see sunshine in my sky.  I don’t know if we would have a baby in the future. But I do know that good things happen to those who wait. We will wait for our turn. 

Oh yes, God is definitely there. After all, he was the one who saved me from a bigger danger. Whad'ya think? 

Cheers, 

Sharanya